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I have been going to school for almost 6 years and am supposed to graduate next May. I am almost done with everything and I have been on top of my game with getting school things in order. But 2 weeks before the semester starts I find out that one class I need to graduate isn't offered this fall and I have to wait till the spring to see if it's even offered then. I hope that the school can figure things out so I can graduate because I don't want to be a college student forever.

Bad evening

I'm really terrible about going on this website and writing about my life. Updating my status and updating details of what's going on with me.  So you want to know what's going on in my life huh? It's not the best of news. My mother and I are at it again fighting like we usually do. Over stupid things too, but it doesn't matter because fighting is fighting and it's never good and especially not now horrible timing right before the new years. Making a resolution with her isn't worth it because nothing will ever change except for me I'm the only one who can change. I feel and think that she wants me to be more like her. In many things, the way I talk to others and how I look physically. I It bothers her that I'm so much younger than her, but yet she's so much smaller than me. In terms of clothes she usually wears anything that is the size label 10 and small. I wear the size 12 to 14 and medium and large, mostly large. According to her, I talk too much to my friends and anyone else. Whenever I tell her or she finds out I'm meeting up with someone especially if it's a guy she says to me, don't talk a lot let them talk more and just listen. I just say ok sure and in my head I'm thinking yeah ok sure whatever. 

First Entry in a long time

My parents and I aren't getting along very well anymore. We used to this past summer things were different than they are now, but that was all because of Jon. Jon was my trainer for 3 months and he got me into great physical shape. He really knew what he was doing and he was really awesome to work out at the gym with. He didn't really work out with me, it was more like me working out in front of him. It was kind of like being in boot camp lol because he pushed me a lot. We became really good friends and I listened to almost everything he was saying. He really studied a lot about how to live a healthy life style. The training sessions with him were really good, but they only lasted so long unfortunately. 

I work out on my own as much as I can now. I have a weight training book I use at the gym. My parents though don't think I'm trying and they don't give me much credit. Living with them is becoming such a nightmare because absolutely everything I do is so wrong. I don't know how do this or that and it's really hard not to give up. Tonight was Christmas eve and even though we're Jewish and we don't celebrate it, my mom still had things to say that were so not cool to me today. I tried to tell her how I feel but she gets irritated with that and so nothing works. The last thing my parents said to me tonight was how big my stomach is how it is over flowing with fat. And how I need to lose a hell of a lot of weight. Especially according to my mother she thinks I'm too overweight and that my body mass index is a lot smaller than what I am now.

Well I should go sleep and not think about all of this

Me at the Grizzly Rose

 This is me. I wanted to put this as my pic on the profile but it's not working. I don't know why. Very confusing.


Jun. 22nd, 2009

Thursday was a busy day. First thing my brother Ben and my sister in law Rachel and I did were go drive downtown to the school campus to talk to Lisa McGill who's in charge of the Learning Disability Department. We were going to meet with her to talk about how I coudl go about dropping this class or some how getting out of it. I don't want an F on my transcript just because I can't pass it the first time. It didn't take too long to meet with her and talk it over. She even did the honors of allowing Ben to be in communication with me and her when we have meetings in the future as in the fall and spring semester.  Ben pretty much knows everything that goes on in my school life, I keep him updated on the good things and the not so good things. He's not been here in Colorado where I go to school, but he's been there for me through out all the  years I've been attending this college. Lisa gave me the paper work in order to drop the class and told me that I may not need a math class to finish up my schooling here no instead I just need to take something that will be equivalent to that philosophy logic and language class I was doing. There's a Critical Writing class I will need to take, it's one of the 5 courses I have left and that may end up be equivalent to the last core requirement I need.

After the meeting with Lisa, Ben and I thanked her and went to find Rachel. Rachel was sitting at the Market drinking something and looking for something good and tasty to eat. She was really hungry because not being a morning person she didn't eat anything before leaving the house. My brother was the same, but no not me I like to eat first thing in the morning. I guess it's because I don't really eat a whole lot in the late evening. After meeting up with Rachel we went to REI for them to do some shopping. Boy did they have a lot to get since they're going to Japan and China. After what felt like forever we finally did get to leave and went to eat lunch with David, Rachel's best friend. It was fun, but whatever I ordered was really spicy so I just ate the meat which I really liked. Half way through Kyle called and I talked to him for a while.  Ben dropped Rachel off for Yoga and took me to my trainer at the gym. I met up with Jon my trainer and asked him to not make me run up and down the stairs as a form of cardio. I told him I was gonna go work out because I thought I would go again later with my friend Kevin. So Jon said ok this one time you don't need to run down the stairs, but usually that's going to be the case that's what we do. Working out with Jon today wasn't as hard as it is usually.  We did more of the mechanics stuff as he says. He tried to show me how to use this white foam piece of equipment and when we were doing it he said I needed to find a spot where I would feel pain and to roll on the white foam for a while. So I did that to both sides. This is supposed to help me with my balance, but the next day I noticed that I was bruised on both hips.

Afterwards I just hung out with Ben for a while before he was going to go hang out with Rachel and her friends. Kevin and I were gonna go work out and swim, but then he got in a bad mood or something and didn't feel like going. I asked him if he wanted to go get hot chocolate after he was done watching Smallville and he said yes. In the mean time the closet in my room fell apart and I had to put clothes on the bean bag I have in my room. I went to shower and turned up the music on my computer nice and loud since I was the only one at home. Kevin called at 9 to say he was coming to get me. I got ready and took a permanent marker with me as well. I didn't know he was going to be in a shitty mood though. He barely talked the whole way to the Starbucks on County Line. I felt bad asking him to come hang out with me if he was in such a bad mood, but he was still up for it. I tried to cheer him up by telling him to think of me and think of all the silly things that I say or do which make him laugh. He would respond saying, I'm not in the mood, but once we got inside the starbucks and ordered our hot chocolates and sat down I got out the permanent marker and his mood changed. I did get to mark on his hands, but he started counting how many times I marked him and multiplied that by 10 and so it ended up being like 90 or 100 times according to him. And that was how many times he was going to get me back lol. We could have sat at the Starbucks longer, but they close at 10 so we finally left  and when we got outside I tried getting the marker back from him it was in his jeans pocket, but it really was not a successful try. He just started marking me when we got outside in the parking lot we were walking back to his car. We got to my house and I asked him if he wanted to go on a walk or something because I didn't want him to go home angry with all that anger he had inside of him. We walked for a long while it was fun just going to nowhere in particular. Part of the way I told him we could turn right and it would go in the direction of my house, but he was like no we can just go straight so we did that. I tried pushing him into the trees and that wasn't the best idea because as I would try to make a run for it he grabbed me and put his arms around my waiste and push me into not just any tree, but pine trees. Running away from him wasn't an option because with each try he just caught me. We finally made it back to his car which was parked in front of my house and inside of it I tried marking him again, but he just took the marker away from me and took hold of my hands so of course I couldn't do anything to him. When he would have the marker in between his fingers I tried to get it away from him and it would take so long each  time, but he had a fun time watching me struggle. Every time I'd get the pen from him in my own hands I only got to keep it for so long because he would so easily get it out of my hands. I tried to reach my hands up above my head and at some point he put my face in the crook of his arm making me smell his arm pit which were really sweaty since he had gone running. That was really gross, but again I wasn't able to just pull away from him. This battle of who would mark who the most  just kept going and at some point he decided to give me a wet willy. I didn't see it coming and no one had ever done that to me so when he did it I thought of it as really gross. I tried taking away his stuff in the glove compartment, but that would just end up being a really bad idea because he would just tickle the shit out of me. I couldn't tell him I'm not ticklish because he knew perfectly how I end up squirming. This lasted until 2 in the morning. He really likes to torture me, but overall the night was fun.
Men are really strange creatures that G-d some how decided to place on this earth. It's ironic that most of my friends are guys, but I don't understand them or how they think. Why is it so hard for some of them to make plans and stick to them? I've been working out with a friend from college and things have been going pretty good so far. Usually he sticks to his plan, but tonight has been really weird. I didn't think we would even meet up to work out, but at 7pm when I was at the gym he said yeah in an hour I can come get you and we'll do upper body and then go swimming. Well around 9 pm there's still no word from him. Now it's 10:15 and I don't know what to think maybe he forgot me lol or just decided not to go at all. I'm not mad no, but definetly feeling irritated. I wish I knew what was going on if he decided to change his mind or what. I wished I'd just get a call or a text back. Oh well since it looks like now we're not going anymore, he doesn't get to dunk me. He really wants to do that to me and him being taller and bigger and stronger than me I don't think I'll be able to get out of that one. After our work out last night and he dropped me off at home as usual I told him you don't want to dunk me I tried to come up with the excuse that I squirm, but that just made things worse. I'm sure tomm at some point I'll find out what's happened and why he didn't come or whatever. It's just really frustrating to make plans with someone and have them bail on you. This happened last week when we planned to meet up at noon on thurs, but he went to sleep really late the night before and didn't get my message/s or calls b/c he didn't wake up until after 2 pm. With him it's always something, but he's so genuine and kind hearted that it's impossible to stay mad at him. Literally like I couldn't get mad at Kyle or Adi for a long time he's the same way.


Friday things didn't happen the way I planned them to. At first I was going to Habitat for Humanity, but then on second thought decided against it because I didn't want to use my arms since I was feeling pretty sore. Kevin who's been taking me to work out with him has me doing all these different exercises on my arms and shoulders. I didn't want to stand outside and help build a house for 6 or 7 hrs with the use of a hammer. I stayed home and was hoping to go work out or lift with Kevin, but he wasn't answering for a while and then he was having a bad afternoon, so I just went to Hillel. It started raining and I had asked Kevin to come down to play air hockey, but he didn't want to drive down there from Park Meadows area where he lives. So we made plans to meet up later that evening and go lift. We were doing legs exercises on our legs. I wanted to be on the same page as him because on monday when we'd meet up again we both would be doing arm exercises. My dad took me to Park Meadows and Kevin picked me up and I was in for a surprise because I had not done any leg exercises by using weight machines. Kevin knows what he is doing and so I just followed him, he has a whole routine set up for himself and I just do what he does. Most of the machines were pretty tough for me to get used to or do right. There was one that made me really frustrated and made me want to cry too. It was when Kevin wanted to do squats by using a metal bar that you put behind your neck and then get in front of it and bend down as much as you can and look up at the ceiling the whole time. I was scared and eventually got to my breaking point where I just started crying, although I didn't want Kevin to see. At first when I had tears in my eyes we had gone to take a drink of water and he was in front of me so he didn't see the tears. But then we went back to doing the squats and there was a mirror in front of me so I could see myself and he could see my face too and when he saw how emotional I got he said it was ok to stop. I didn't really want to do this exercise at first because I was scared of it of course, but Kevin doesn't take no for an answer. He doesn't let you give up and he doesn't let anyone especially not me off the hook. After doing squats we did some other leg exercises and then finally we were doing abs these sit up things by using a specific sitting or laying down machine.  After working out Kevin took me home and it was pretty late. But when we go to work out we don't look at the clock.

May. 21st, 2009

I haven't been really good at posting anything on here. That's ok, because no one really seems to read what I write besides myself. I have some time to update whoever besides myself on what's been happening in my life. A few weeks ago I finished the spring semester at CU Denver. I was only taking Spanish 2 which is a good thing to only take that class because it is a 5 credit class. It's not so much as hard, but it's got so much information that you need to take in. You're supposed to know in the back of your mind everything you've learned from Spanish 1 which is the first class you take. In order to get the foreign lang credit you need two semesters worth of that langauge. I did it in the fall and then the spring. The fall was horrible because the teacher we had she was a real piece of work. She didn't really help out as much, but gratefully she did help me pass Spanish One so I could have moved onto Spanish 2. Spring semester was so much better because of our teacher. She was really awesome and very patient and extremely helpful even on exams. For the first three exams we used dictionaries and I didn't bring mine until the third exam and after that we weren't allowed to use dictionaries anymore. We all thought it was lame, but the teacher did have a point we're not going to use dictionaries when taking the final! There were a lot of extra words on the exams that we hadn't learned or weren't in our list of vocabulary and when taking the exam without the dictionary I would just ask the teacher whatever I needed. She was really helpful unlike the first semester I took spanish. And we didn't have stupid online quizzes each week either. We did have compositions to come up with in this Spanish 2 class. Finally now it's the end of May and I am done officially with Spanish and any other foreign language in any college that is. I have a bunch of spanish material I can teach myself how to speak spanish. What I should do is go to South America and learn it there. I have books on how to teach myself Hebrew too, just haven't found the time to do it really. I have time now, but don't have anyone to really practice with.

Since I've finished the Spring Semester and found out I passed Spanish I've just been hanging out. On Mon I wasn't feeling too great so I just sat at home and went to the library with my friend Ann and then did some laundry. I went to babysit Molly and was supposed to hang out with my friend Kevin, but he  was too tired from driving from Tennessee back to Colorado. He was with his cousin, but he did the majority of the driving. On Tues I was doing some cleaning upstairs and dusting and then decided to go through my CD's and found them all. I organized them all and put them in this big case that I have. I have so many CD's it's unbelievable I thought I lost like half of them, well I did lose a lot of them. I lost them when I was in Israel I think they got stolen from me or something, it was a long time ago though. After cleaning up, Kevin called and we went to hang out we got some ice cream. We got a scoop of ice cream at Baskin Robinson and then went to lift weights. We go to the same gym and so it worked out perfectly. He knows so much when it comes to working out. We were lifting all kinds of weights doing all kinds of exercises. I just followed him, he'd go first show me and then it would be my turn. A lot of these exercises we were doing 3 sets of tens. We would lift weights ten times and then ten times two more times as well. His friend who's from the marines taught him a lot of what he knows. He wouldn't let me "cheat" as he says on these exercises so he would make sure I did it right. After 2 in a half hours of some crazy work out routine that he has all mapped out we went to get some jamba juice. We just hung out there and it began to rain and then lightning and all the works so we went to my house. After the rain subsided we hung out in my back yard. I tried to poke him, but he's much faster than me and I wasn't able to really keep up. He beat me in just about everything like thumb war and that game where you slap hands, and we did a lot of running around that's what it felt like. After he finally said he was going to leave I was really tired of all that working out. We agreed on going to lift again on thursday oh boy. What have I gotten myself into.

On Wednesday I went to Kyle's parents house in Arvada. I hung out with his mom and we went to Walmart to buy some things. Since she got surgery on her foot and can't walk as easily as the rest of us she used this cart that drove her around everywhere in the store. I followed her around. She tried to tease me at how I would have to keep up, but the vehicle she was operating didn't go very fast. After putting the stuff away in the car she suggested I ride the little cart back into the store. The guy who saw me on it said I could just leave it and he'd put it away. I don't think he really approved of me riding it because it's for seniors meaning elderly people, or anyone who can't walk very well like my friend Kyle's mom Shirley. On the way to her house we went to Taco Bell and got some food. I never ate Taco Bell and it wasn't so bad. I was really hungry so I ate whatever she bought in the car. Kyle had just woken up and was going to go shower and get ready when we got home. Without him being around Shirley enjoyed her Taco Bell, Kyle doesn't approve. I threw the bag away and we didn't bring it up again and so he didn't ever find out we ate that food. He likes Chipotle more, I don't blame him, I do too. They have much better quality food compared to Taco Bell. Although Shirley told me that they go through so much food at Taco Bell that they have fresh food. So does Chipotle they also have a lot of stuff and there stuff is fresh as well.  We didn't want to eat Chipotle b/c that over stuffs you and we wanted to be hungry for whatever Kyle was going to make for dinner. He's a fine cook, I'm usually his little helper. Little I say because I maybe slightly older 8 months, he's a whole foot in a half taller than me. I'm a midget to him even though I do come to his shoulders, but I'm not sure he agrees with that statement. We sat around the living room for a while and then he started looking online for a recipe what he wanted to make food wise and then we went shopping. It was just me and him, good spending time I guess. I hadn't seen him in a while and I really missed him, Kyle is a very close friend, he's  more like a brother to me. I think of him as family. Dinner took a while to make, but it ended up being really delicious. We made asian food I don't even know really what it's called. It was some kind of tofu soup and stir fry with veggies and chicken too. He kept joking the whole time we were hanging out how he was going to beat me up or kill me, but I kept telling him you're not going to do no such thing because you love me too much. After dinner his parents left for a little while and Shannon and I started cleaning. I don't mind washing dishes usually because I feel it is very relaxing for me. But I was feeling really sore from lifting weights the day before even though I knew that tommorow would be one more day of doing that too. After the dishes and kitchen were clean we sat in the family room across from each other. I tried taking pictures of him on my phone, but they kept coming out really blurry and he would take my phone away from me. I told him that I could just as easily go downstairs to the basement which was his room and get something of his. I was thinking his bible, because I know it means a lot to him, but he said he didn't  think I'd be able to find it. Well I was going to go try, but he grabbed hold of my wrist and he asked me, "yeah you want to go somewhere, how are you going to do that now?" He was right, I wasn't able to get out of his grasp even though I tried the way Kevin taught me the day before, "go through the thumb." Well when I tried doing that Kyle would just tighten his grasp on my hand and then he took my right hand and did the same thing as well. I tried taking away his phone, but he can always get it back. This is what we do Kyle and I this is how we pick on each other. I love the attention and he loves to tease the hell out of me. My parents didn't want me to take the train home because it was dark and late to them outside it was like 10 pm. They asked if I could stay over at Kyle's prob sincen I had done that before. But now there was no room for me b/c Shirley's leg is in pain and Tim, Kyle's dad sleeps in the guest room since he moves around a lot and Shannon his sister is home. Kyle decided to take me all the way home and I tried arguing with him trying to get him to not have to go that far. Since he always teases me as to how far away I live and how it's butt fucking egypt. But if I start saying a bad word he'll give me this look and I know he doesn't like it if I swear.  It's not me and I don't usually do it and he doesn't approve of me doing that. He thinks I'm really precious and special and I think partially it is because I don't drink a lot, I don't smoke anything, and I've never done any kind of drugs. Spending time with him always puts a smile on my face.

Now I'm sitting at the DU Library Penrose and it's Thursday. I came kind of early and now going to get some jamba juice with Aviva. She's leaving next week which is sad because we will all miss her.

After Jamba Juice, I met up with my friend Dani and she took me for coffee. Then we hung out over at Hillel and finally Kevin called me back and we made plans to go work out. We went to lift and work on our upper body parts like our arms and shoulders. It was really intense for me at least. I wasn't planning on going with him again on friday the next day, but I changed my mind. I went lifting at night with him and we did leg exercises. Everything was going pretty good, but we got to this squat machine that had a big metal bar that you're supposed to put behind your neck and get under it. And then you bend down and then come up and I was having a hard time with it. Finally I had my breaking point and was crying a bit and Kevin said it was ok to take a break and stop. I didn't really want to do it in the first place, but he's really pushy and as much as I said no no I'm scared he kept saying yes yes you gotta try it. He was right behind me making sure I didn't do it wrong and that the metal bar wouldn't fall out of my hands or on me or hit me so I did it. I am learning to trust him. He's really a good caring person. He's pushy because if you don't have a hard work out there's no point that's how he sees it . He's not a trainer to me it's just nice having someone to work out with!
I don't write often enough as I really should. I just forget to come online here. I've been busy doing other stuff. I have another journal that I write in as well that I use real paper and a pen for. This weekend was really interesting. On friday I started hanging out with Aaron, but then Betty called and I went over to babysit Molly. She was sleeping half the time and then she woke up and played on her own pretty much with her dolls. I tried to study some spanish at her house for this exam I have coming up and it's going to cover a lot of material. I got done watching her after 8 pm and then I read some torah from the tanakh I have and went to sleep. Sat I walked to the light rail station in the morning and met up with Adri and then we went to Boulder to meet Alan. We were going to a comic store b/c they were giving away free comics. We were there for an 40 min or so and then went across the street to Quiznos and then Alan had to go get ready for his big trip. I got home because of Adri she took me home and I changed and walked over to the Sievers to see my friend Sarah. I hung out with her and then went over to the Walles they are just 2 houses over and spent some time there. Then went over to some other family with some girls that knew the way, but didn't know how to direct me how to get there so I just followed them. There were a lot of women at this third meal party for a girl who just had her bat mitzva it was pretty interesting. I stayed there till 9 or so and my parents came to get me because it was raining and dark and a long walk to the shul. I got home and I was tired so I went to sleep and then sun woke up and went to the gym and then went to the library to study some more spanish. I made note cards and don't know when I'll be able to go over them all lol. And then I met up with Ann and she took me to Applebees for some good dinner food. We saw this movie called Akeelah and the Bee. The girl in that movie was spelling words, I never heard before lol. I'm home now and my parents are watching some American movie that is translated every couple seconds from English to Russian or the other way around.

Mixed Feelings

Today was the day to remember Columbine that happened in 1999. I saw them talk about it on the news this morning and then went off to school. I met up with Alex my tutor and studied some spanish with her. My upcoming final is in a little while, but these next few weeks will go by fast I know it. And then I will be done with Spanish. I revised my spanish composition and made it longer and more readable than it was before. I met up with Tim and one of his friends and told both of them what a lousy student I think Dirk is. Dirk is in one of their classes and my spanish class too. I met up with Heather and we shopped around a bit in downtown, but I didn't buy anything. We went to class which went by fast and at the end we learned a bunch of dance moves. It was definetly different than what we usually do in class. We have a lot of new material we are learning too.

I thought about trying to talk to Kyle. Yesterday I saw him on the facebook chat and tried saying hi, but to no avail. I tried to call to see if maybe he'd pick up there instead of using facebook chat. I guess he just doesn't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me. Since the incident with Bethany he hasn't tried to call and he doesn't answer the phone. I tried to just leave him alone. I wrote a poem for him about our friendship, but threw it away in spanish class. When we were on the phone I didn't say a lot and he asked if I was there maybe thinking I had hung up on him. I told him no I just didn't have anything to say because I felt stupid for what I had done. His last words to me were that I am not stupid and he loved me and would call the next day to see if we could meet up. Maybe he's still mad or whatever word he used with me. I know he made peace with Bethany she told me. There's another funny story with her too, she cut my mom's friends hair and they agreed she'd give me some shampoo and conditioner. Wel that happened on thurs of last week when it was still passover and on tues when I saw her she decided to not bring it and give it to me and on the following thurs I bought it. My mom asked me about the shampoo and conditioner from her on sun, but I said she didn't give it to me. When I asked her she said well I thought you already had some. I told her I wouldn't of bought it if I knew you had some for me. 45 dollars, I could have saved, but whatever. It's too late now.